a rotation.
that’s all it took to break me
like every hitched moan that broke my lover’s lips
as i made her mine
daylight broke
and took me with it
like traces of light under the bedroom door
it crept up on me
a rotation.
even the moon envied my tides
as her shoulders became my shorelines
dripping in foam
waves broke
and dragged me with it
back into oceans so saline it separated
and left me at the bottom
a rotation.
the ground fell away from the sky
and spun too fast for the clouds to keep up
but when it stopped
clouds broke
and thus, the downpour of a girl too dizzy
to take second chances
a rotation.
that’s all it took to break us
noon, too hot to speak through sweat
but in the night
fever broke
and we were left shivering, too afraid
to take second chances
-s.c.g.
I love the repetition of broke in every fifth line... daylight broke, waves broke, clouds broke, fever broke... It's clever. Overall, I love the structure.
ReplyDeleteI'm not sure about the third line: "like every hitched moan that broke my lover’s lips." It seems a little too "steamy romance novel" and therefore cliché.
Thank you so much for the feedback! Yeah, to be honest, that line was a little forced. I don't usually write like this, so I got a little lost in places. But overall, I'm not too upset with how it turned out. I was experimenting with a new style, so knowing what works and what doesn't is quite vital at this stage. Thank you so much!!
DeleteThis is lovely. There are so many moments in this that really took my breath away. Really amazing. Can't wait to hear more from you :)
ReplyDeleteThank you so much, Rachel! This was kind of a shot in the dark for me, but I kind of like it so far! Thank you for the encouragement :)
DeleteYour poetry is so beautiful. I don't know what to say.
ReplyDeleteAwee! Chloe, thank you so much! I didn't really know what I was doing when I wrote this, but I'm glad it comes off the page well! You're so sweet. Thank you once again!
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