The Underneath

Where is my baby?
Is she underneath your car?
Would you please check?
I think she might be up to something.

Sometimes she likes to spit up
Just to make me clean it up
I think she likes seeing me like this.
Have you seen her?
She's not in her crib.
I think she might be underneath your car.
Or maybe she's hiding in the fuse box again.

I just wish she'd talk to me
She won't even grow teeth for me.
She doesn't like me, I know it.
She won't feed from me, you know?
She bites me
Yes! You heard me! She bites!
How can she bite without teeth?
Well her little gums just... stick!
They clamp and stick and won't let go.
She's doing it to spite me.

Is she under your car?
Can you see her?

Sometimes, she wakes me up.
In the middle of the night, mind you!
For no good reason other than she...
...Well she shits herself, to be frank!
What kind of child soils their diapers
And then just sits there and wallows away
Just crying and crying and crying
Until someone comes in and has to stick their fingers in it?
That's demented, if you ask me.
Just sick!

What do you mean she's not under your car?
I saw her playing there yesterday.
Did you forget her in the glove compartment?
I've done that once or twice.
Nothing? Oh goodness, where could she be?
Oh! Oh my, well would you look at that?
It looks like she's under my car!
I must have forgotten her there when I left this morning.
I took a drive around the block to relax.
Come to think of it, she hasn't cried all day.
What a sweet baby.
If only they'd stay like this forever.